Beach City was on fire today! The whole boardwalk! Some blame teenage hijinks, but I know the real culprit: The Ghost of William Buford Buchanan, Beach City’s Most Notorious Arsonist!
He set a record 335 fires in the summer of 1862. Back then, there weren’t many buildings in Beach City, so he had to burn his own house down 68 times. He even burned down the Funland Arcade, or as it was known at the time, Frederick Ulysses Neptune’s Land of Mechanical Oddities and Entertainment. I heard it was great! They had a monkey fortune teller that could predict the future and play Camptown Races on an accordion.
Buchanan died trying to evade the police by diving into the ocean. But some say his waterlogged visage still haunts the Boardwalk, desperately trying to light his soggy flint and steel kit, and add one more fire to his record. I guess he finally found out about lighter fluid! HAH!
Mayor Dewey estimates damages to be $600,000.